SO, this is my second personal blog, I guess its pretty evident that I find this whole blogging fiasco to be quite cathartic. I'm just a little bothered about something.
You see, the thing I hate most about first year is the loneliness. I've never been lonely - I guess that's the problem... I always had my group of friends at school, and I never felt completely alone in a room full of people. Here at Rhodes though, I constantly feel oblivious in crowds, unnoticed, unapreciated and strangely mute.
You put on your best dress, your pretty shoes, you do your hair and you make an effort to look spritely and interesting. But it never really matters, nobody sees the real you. And the scariest thing is knowing that they probably don't want to. The music is always too loud and no matter how hard you try, you never seem to stand out. I never had this problem, I'm a pretty damn wierd individual, and I never had to fight for attention. But its not enough here. And I find myself partaking in the lamest of all pursuits - that for attention - unconciously. I cant help it... I speak louder, I dress funnier and I make more effort than I should in talking to people.
I had a bit of an epiphany last night amidst the cloud of smoke and hormonal force that is the Rat and Parrot. I realised I dont want to be this person that fights for attention. I mean, I've got through the better part of 19 years being myself - Im not going to let anyone here change me. If people dont like it they can step on an active landmine for all I care. Id rather be lonely than desperate.
5 comments:
U know, there's only one thing more disturbing than knowing that someone should feel the need to post a blog like that, and that's the fact that I could have written it myself.
I suppose for me, slipping into oblivion has been a good, if unwanted, thing. I have a way of attracting "bad" attention. HOwever i thrive on being noticed and so I can't decide which is worse: being teased incessantly, or being so invisible that no one could care less.
I agree with you that changing who we are is not the answer. Wish i knew what is was. accepting lonliness is worse than walking the plank, in my opinion. but with my ever increasing inability to connect with my fellows, i cant help thinking id better get used to it...
good luck.
ps, you dont need to try stand out.
Terri... You are AWESOME!!! Why on earth would you need to put things on to make yourself stand out? You are a unique (in a good way), really awesome and funny person! You just need to realise how awesome you are.
If anything, I didn't get to know you better because I felt intimidated by your coolness. Sounds lame, but it's true...
Dearest Terri - Princess of the universe and all things cute and fluffy
Wow...your post really resonated with me as during the course of the year, I too changed and maybe even lost myself in the pursuit of attention and the desire to fit in and be liked here at Rhodes. During the first semester, I could best be described as malleable; I was easily influenced by others and so oftentimes went along group activities whether I approved of them or not. Despite having many friends, I often felt lonely and found myself wondering whether my friends were right for me, though this in all honesty was a futile exercise, for at Rhodes, cliques are formed during and O-week and from there on after, it’s almost impossible to be accepted into a new group. Thankfully, I have learned that I don’t have to fit in or need copious amounts of attention to be happy, instead all I need is to stay true to myself. While this proves to be difficult as at 18, I still don’t know who I am, I find that everything is slowly falling into place and that my morale has increased tenfold. I’m glad that you have also decided not to change for anyone or anything and wish you the best of luck in this endeavour!
Terri, Terri, Terri
Some one once told me that they'd rather be hated for what they are then loved for what they are not. This really touched me and from then on I ignored the stupid crowds and their lame attempts to be noticed.
By doing that I see that people dont understand and they kind of cast you as a loser but really I dont care. You should never try to be someone that you're not cause first of all its not fun and its kinda awkward and second of all its just not fun..
Hang in there... Don't let them dictate your life.
Aah, this topic makes me want to burst out in song to the Backstreet boys “show me the meaning of being lonely”...
Just joking, actually, Terri I am so glad that someone has decided to blog about this pertinent issue. Being lonely is something that we often feel we are going through alone and it is saddening yet comforting to know that we are not alone.
I do echo your sentiments; in fact there are many similarities between my story and yours.
I think that when we come to university we are bombarded with stories of how “cool” it will be, and how you will make such “great” friends, yet no one bothers to be completely honest with you and tells you that it is not always sunshine and roses; loneliness is a real issue!
I, like you, had a group of friends at school, and everyone knew me, and walking into a room full of strangers was no problem because I was sure to walk out having met at least 5 new people. However, things changed at Rhodes I think I retracted back into my shell after the first few weeks of varsity because I just did not feel that confidence anymore. It has never been a matter of wanting attention but rather one of your presence simply being recognised. Some may say that you are over reacting and that you should “get over it” but one persons definition of an overreaction is the reason why another feels deserted and out of place.
With that said though maybe it is naive to think that you will fit in wherever you go and maybe it is the trying hard to stand out that actually causes you to become unnoticed. Have you asked yourself what it could be that makes you just another brick in the wall?
I am glad that you had an epiphany and decided that it is not worth losing who you are for the sake of fitting in. As difficult as it is initially, it is well worth it. It shows that you have a strong character and that if nothing else will get you through the loneliness.
Good luck and you aren’t alone.
Andz**
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